Dream Big or Go Home

This just occurred to me while I was thinking about my dance training and processing everything I’ve trained in today.

“The biggest thing I need to learn, honestly, isn’t even steps or technique. I want to learn how to not get so frustrated at myself because I can’t make my body do everything instantly at the snap of a finger, and to realize that I DO make progress in those 45 minutes. I’ve gone and judged it not good enough for some impossible standard I’ve set before myself. It creates this intense drive in me, but it also prevents me from appreciating anything I’ve achieved. I need to know that progress, however small, has value. That it’s okay to take everything [I’ve learned] home, sleep on it, process it, work on it through the week, and come back to lesson fresh and able to apply those concepts. My perfectionism is almost an inhibition right now because that frustration blocks my energy and tenses me up. I’m getting in my own way because I’ve already decided it’s all or nothing - even while logically accepting the fact that there will never be an end to learning, growing, adapting, progressing. I need to learn to trust myself - that I am equipped with the proper tools to achieve my goals - my talents, passion and hard work will be enough. I don’t trust that right now. I fear that I somehow won’t be enough - that I will be found lacking. I think that’s a valid fear when you love something as much as I love dance - when it becomes how you define your soul.”

I think that it’s important for me to understand that this is how I am feeling NOW so I can look back on it and see how much I will grow in the coming months. I want to mature as a dancer from these fears. I think that’s a fair thing to assess about myself, and I’m even glad that I can see it and work on it.

So many brilliant and good things are happening for me. Winning the scholarship was everything - training in dance and becoming a part of the world I have loved from the outside for so long is bringing me the greatest sense of joy and fulfillment that I’ve ever experienced. I am so excited to see where it leads me.

So this is how a conversation between my best mate and I just went down:

K: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3l5dpyugP1r53w4lo1_500.gif  oh, ultimate bromance.

J:     http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3jpcwAl2e1rr04q6o1_500.jpg  Oh i dunno….Chris and Zachary could give Thor and Loki a run for the bromoney.

K: Bromoney. give me some of that. Make that shit rain on me like a stripper.

Yes, it pays to be a complete and utter nerd/geek/dork. Star Trek and Avengers rule. Who’s losing their bromoney on the Avengers movie out now and drooling impatiently over the Star Trek sequel booked for 2013?

I. Can’t. Wait. *breathe*

I’m very pleased to announce that I have now lost a total of 32 pounds of me! The success, though much slower and much more hard fought, is still continuing. Digging in the trenches is worth it to me to see the pounds continue to fall off. I don’t want them any more. A PART…a very small part….of my brain asks me “When will it be enough for you?” and I don’t have an answer for that. I’m down to 143, and I feel that I have more to go. I still don’t like what I see…it’s still not where I want no matter the fact that everyone around me is noticing. I received a compliment at the studio from a woman who I never really talk to yesterday. Obviously, I’ve made a huge impact to how I look and how I dance, and I’m proud of that. I know the difference is there. I’m just not satisfied yet. Maybe I’m reaching for perfection, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I’m also beginning to have days where I can eat what I wish and not worry about it. I have days where I lock down and strictly follow my calorie goals for the day, and it seems to be working out well for me. I like that I can enjoy a couple days a week without reporting on it when I know I’ve been exorbitantly over -  it’s not like my body actually uses that extra food. It gets sent down the chute, so to speak…and I’m okay with that.

There’s a reason for wanting to reach this perfection - because it drives everything I do. I have serious goals I wish to achieve and I need a body willing and able to do that. I’m still healing from my hip injury, and it does affect me after two hours of hard dancing. My back and hip are really sore after that, and without the proper time to rest the next days are usually tender. I don’t like it, but it will probably take until the summer months to truly be healed. That never stopped me, of course, but it certainly puts everything into much-needed perspective. I would sacrifice everything to dance - I don’t want to sacrifice too much of me to keep me from dancing, EVER. That is my heart and my joy, and I’ve suddenly been enveloped and embraced by it in ways I couldn’t have predicted. Exciting news is forthcoming, I hope!